This seems to be the case a lot lately...not the cold part, but the not being social part. It's not that I have all of a sudden taken a vow to become a hermit, but the life of a recluse is growing more appealing by the day. I used to revel in the company of others; I blossomed in conversations with friends....but I feel very different as of late. I don't think that I like people any less, I have just begun to have my eyes opened to the fallibility of human kind. This year of work and school and life in general has shown me that one can never rely too heavily on people to find satisfaction. People, whether friends or family, coworkers or the guy who gives me coffee....all...all are sinful and fallen and messy. And I am the worst among them.
I find myself retreating further into myself lately, not just to avoid the mess of others, but more so to keep my own messiness away from them. I fear so greatly the idea of being exposed for who I really am. I shudder to imagine my own weaknesses become apparent to my peers and that they might judge me, as I so often have judged those around me.
I don't know if this makes much sense....I am still sorting out the confusion of my thoughts. All I know is that I long for the kind of relationship that is open to the real me....junk and all. And I am realizing that no earthly being can provide this....I know it is only God who can welcome me as I am, willingly and eagerly. And yet, this is such a hard concept to grasp...a relationship with such a perfect being...especially with the poor example of earthly relationship we are presented with daily.
I ramble a lot tonight....so I will end with a poem I wrote a while ago as I reflected on the sad condition of our worldly relationships.
Worldly Wonderings
Cara Parliament
9.28.06
I want to know why…
The ones who should not be trusted,
Are the ones in whom we confide;
Why …
The ones who hold low morals,
Are the leaders we hold on high?
I want to know why…
People who judge and ridicule,
Are the same people who can dish it, but cannot take it?
Why…
The people that seem most interested in you,
Are the people who deep down you know just fake it.
I want to know why…
The faults of others are easily overlooked,
Yet our own flaws are placed beneath a microscope;
Why…
Their sins may be quickly forgotten,
But my sins in their eyes leave me with no hope.
I want to know why…
Standing up for an opinion is considered initiative
and a bold display of confidence for one;
Why…
My own voice is stifled by the prospect
of exclusion when it is all said and done?
I want to know why…
Average is acceptable
As long as it is in their own way and time;
Why…
It seems I am alone in thinking
That mediocrity is a crime.
I want to know when…
The world became so chaotic
And what made it such a mess;
When…
Our focus shifted from the deluge of war or poverty,
When relationships became our biggest stress.
I want to know how…
All that we shrug off as just the “human condition”
Will ever find a remedy;
How…
A world so completely broken
Can ever bring itself out of the FALL’s tragedy.
And in all of my wonderings,
I have slowly become jaded with the state our world is in,
Weary with witnessing the daily affects of each of our sins.
Yet instead of becoming cynical
with the turmoil of each new day,
I remind myself to seek answers to my questions
In HIM who is the ONLY WAY.
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